Give Help
An active bystander is someone who intervenes before, during or after a situation involving inappropriate behaviours. Whether you are a passer-by, course mate, friend, or a close one of someone who has suffered from sexual misconduct, YOU can make a meaningful difference.
Active bystanders can safely intervene in problematic situations or render assistance to affected individuals. Sometimes this means challenging inappropriate sexual comments, distracting someone from making sexual advances on a person too drunk to consent, or offering emotional support to someone. Other times, it means reaching out to NUS Care Unit (NCU), NUS Campus Emergency & Security (CES), NUS Office of Risk Management and Compliance (ORMC), or the police for help.
If you know of someone or if you are in doubt about how to help someone who has suffered from sexual misconduct, you can consult NCU for advice.
How Can I Intervene Safely?
Stepping in may give the person you are concerned about a chance to get to a safe place or leave the situation. You do not have to stand out from the crowd to make a big difference in someone’s life. Whether the problematic individual is a student, staff or member of the public, there are 5 basic steps that could help you determine the best course of action to take.
Some situations are easily noticeable, while others are better characterized as problematic behaviours that are likely to contribute to dangerous situations, including sexually offensive remarks, atypical or withdrawn behaviours, and controlling behaviours in romantic relationships.
Sometimes, your basic instinct or intuition can be the best indication of a problem.
Below are some examples of useful considerations before intervening:
- Is the person persistently approaching an intoxicated individual who wanted to be left alone?
- Are two people standing close together being affectionate or in a heated argument?
- Has a friend seemed atypical and withdrawn for a week or two?
Consider gathering more information by observing the situation, checking in verbally, or asking someone else what they have seen or heard. You may not be the person who takes direct action, but by knowing more about the problem(s), you can readily help and support the person you are concerned about.
A bystander observing a heated argument between a couple can choose to intervene or simply let the situation unfold. Deciding responsibility means taking action―you can either intervene directly or find someone else who can.
- Direct: Issue a verbal warning (e.g., stop following, back off, that is enough) to a problematic individual.
- Distract: Tell the problematic individual to join you outside or for something away from the present situation. Be creative!
- Delegate: Ask someone else to pressure the problematic individual into backing off. This could be your fellow group leader, course lecturer, residential staff or even NUS Campus Emergency & Security (CES). Alternatively, you could advice the affected individual to approach the NUS Care Unit (NCU) for help and support.
- Delay: Return afterwards to check in on an affected individual and ask what they would like you to do.
- Document: Take note of the events and your concerns.
Take steps to protect someone who may be at risk in a way that fits your comfort level.
You should not intervene if you believe doing so might put someone, including yourself, in danger. If safety is threatened, consider using other resources like the Campus Emergency & Security (CES), residential advisors, or the police.
Alternatively, you may contact the NUS Care Unit (NCU) for confidential advice.
What Can I Do to Support an Affected Individual?
About 9 in 10 survivors who disclose their experience of sexual misconduct do so with a friend [1]. As such, peers are an important source of support for survivors. However, it can be extremely challenging to know what to say to someone who has just confided in you. Try using these First 50 Words:
“I’m sorry that you’ve been hurt. How can I help?
There are resources to support you and help you decide what you want to do next.
Would you like to speak to an NCU Care Manager (CM) or a staff person about your options?
Let me know how I can help.”
Providing support to an affected individual who happens to be someone you care about can also be incredibly difficult. Here are some further tips for supporting them:
The first thing you can do is listen and believe what they say. Survivors often find it difficult to come forward and share their story. They may feel ashamed, worry about being dismissed, or fear that they may be blamed.
Here are some supportive statements that you could use:
Avoid asking “why” questions. Instead, ask how you can help or if there is anything you can do for them.
Knowing that someone you care for is in distress or has been hurt may overwhelm you. You may not know what to say or what to do to help. It’s okay not to have all the answers.
Be patient and take the time to learn how to respond.
In brainstorming options and resources with someone who has experienced sexual misconduct, allow them to decide what they want to do next.
On the matter of seeking support, survivors may or may not want to report the incident to the police or school authorities. Not every person responds to trauma the same way, and what works for one person’s healing process won’t always work for someone else. It’s possible that their decision may differ from what you believe is the best course of action. Nonetheless, accept what they want to do and support them.
Remember that part of dealing with the powerlessness of sexual misconduct is learning to feel in control again, so avoid telling them what to do. Refrain from judging, blaming, or forcing a decision.
Healing from sexual misconduct is a slow and personal process and there are many emotions and stages a survivor will experience in the aftermath. However, throughout this healing process, bystanders may come to feel emotionally involved and responsible for the welfare of survivors.
When providing support to others, it is crucial that you manage your own feelings and well-being. Even if someone you care about has confided in you and you alone, you do not have to support them entirely by yourself.
It’s okay to ask for help.
References
[1] NUS Care Unit 2020 Student Survey on Sexual Misconduct Experiences. National University of Singapore.
Why Do I Feel Affected?
Hearing about unpleasant and traumatic events such as those on the leftabove can affect you in many ways. You may find yourself:
- Feeling powerless or impaired in the process;
- Experiencing feelings of regret, particularly if you feel that your actions (or inactions) might have worsened the situation in which your peer is in;
- Feeling that your emotions and reactions are unwarranted since it did not happen to you;
- Being hypervigilant even though you did not witness the incident nor did you experience it firsthand.
If any of these resonates with you, you may be experiencing secondary trauma
As a friend, loved one or acquaintance, it is not uncommon for you to be affected when someone close to you has gone through an unpleasant or traumatic event such as sexual misconduct.
You may also find yourself affected by news of such events for prolonged periods, even if you have heard or read of it only once.
Below are some sample scenarios to aid in your understanding of secondary trauma. In each of these, can you guess who is experiencing secondary trauma?
Scenario #1:
Hazel grew up witnessing domestic violence. Her parents were both emotionally and physically abusive towards each other, though they loved her very much. As an adult, she finds herself not able to commit to a relationship, let alone think of settling down.
Scenario #2:
John and Li Lian are friends, John offered Li Lian a ride home on his motor bike. After dropping her back home, John met with an accident and unfortunately was badly injured. Li Lian blamed herself for taking up his offer. Perhaps he would not have met with this accident if he had not taken the expressway on a rainy day, after sending her home.
Scenario #3:
Faizal was touched inappropriately by his tennis coach. His best friend Timothy found that he could not sleep properly upon hearing about this.
Scenario #1: Hazel
Scenario #2: Li Lian
Scenario #3: Timothy
Secondary traumatic stress may impact all areas of your life. Every individual is unique and is affected differently.
These effects include:
- Remember that these feelings are normal and common.
Sadness, fear, anxiety, grief, and even guilt are completely normal responses in the aftermath of a traumatising incident. It’s okay to feel relieved that it did not happen, while at the same time mourn what your peers might have undergone.
- Allow yourself to grieve.
It is important to acknowledge what has happened and allow yourself to grieve. Give yourself time and take things at your own pace.
- Do something positive.
Whether it is for yourself or for others, take those feelings and direct them toward making a change in the world. Sometimes just doing simple things for another person can help alleviate those feelings.
- Practice self-compassion.
Having awareness of your journey and pracitcing kindness to self is an important step to healing.
- A-B-C’s.
Awareness It is good to take the time for self-reflection. Journal writing, therapy, and talking with a trusted adult or friend are examples of healthy coping that build self-awareness.
Balance Maintaining a balance between the key domains in your life helps with coping. Some tips could involve relaxation through meditation, quiet activities, or exercise. These strategies are known to be emotionally restorative.
Connection Having supportive peers can help and gives opportunities to share feelings or experiences. It is also an important way to develop and nurture trusting relationships.
For existing NUS students and staff,
University Counselling Services (UCS)
- Hotline: +65 6516 2376
- Email: uhc_counselling@nus.edu.sg
NUSHeart (formerly EAP) – for NUS staff only
- Online Chat & Website (for the access code, scroll to the bottom of the NUS Staff Portal)
- 24-hour toll-free hotline: 800 130 1950
- Email: support@resourcesforyourlife.com
NUS Care Unit (NCU):
- Hotline: +65 6601 4000
- Email: ncu_help@nus.edu.sg
For NUS Alumni and other persons not affiliated with NUS,
Community resources
Please visit Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF) website for more information.
You may also download the above information on secondary traumatisation here.
Physical
- Racing heart
- Hypervigilance
- Stomachaches
- Low energy/fatigue
- Difficulty eating and/or sleeping
Cognitive
- Overprotective of affected individuals
- Experiencing confusion
- Flashbacks (recurrent feelings or experiences of trauma)
- Poor concentration
- Difficulty in making decisions
Emotional
- Fear and anxiety
- Feeling overwhelmed
- Lack motivation
- Feeling helpless
- Seeking revenge
- Feeling numb or detached
Behavioural
- Changes in sleep patterns and/or appetite
- Hypervigilance
- Emotional outbursts
- Social withdrawal, isolation
- Increased use of substance (e.g. alcohol)